


a lie is a wish your heart makes

by untouchableface



Category: Nana
Genre: Angst, Bathroom Sex, Drinking to Cope, Drunk Sex, F/F, Femslash, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 08:40:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13737216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/untouchableface/pseuds/untouchableface
Summary: These weekends where she could anonymously drink and dance were her one balm against not being able to go back to a home that no longer existed. Set during the time Nana is in England.





	a lie is a wish your heart makes

’ _Ne, Hachi… I just want you to know that I wish they were you_ …’

She tried not to think about how old Hachi’s child would be now. She tried not to think about all the painful reasons she had to leave Tokyo behind, the ones that still burned like lava flowing through her blood. She tried not to think at all.

The whiskey helped, certainly, as did the pulsing music and the dim lights that barely hid the dinginess of the underground bar. Nana found solace in these punk music nights, the one time in the week where she could go out in public with the type of clothes she still gravitated towards: a spiked collar, thick boots, and ripped tights. Heavy makeup rimmed her eyes, and she lost her body to the thudding drums and powerful vocals that echoed off the club walls. These weekends where she could anonymously drink and dance were her one balm against not being able to go back to a home that no longer existed.

She thought about those innocent nights in Apartment 707, where Hachi’s sleeping body had curled against her own. She thought about that first careless kiss they had shared; it was little more than a joke at the time. She thought about Hachi’s breath saving her from drowning, Hachi’s lips pulling her back from a certain abyss. Days that would never come again.

Since then, Nana had learned to swim on her own. Her pain had been carefully sealed away in a secret room in her heart, one where anyone who had met her _after_ didn’t even know of its existence.

She never took them home; if they pushed, she would always just walk away. Lie. Make excuses about staying with a friend. It was their apartment, or perhaps the bathroom, or an alley, or nowhere. And of course, the women she picked were always small and soft. Golden brown hair. Kind eyes. The ones who slid easily into her lap. Wearing something overtly feminine. Every week there was a new woman who approached her, and when she was drunk enough she would not turn them away. Sometimes they were men too, but the men all inevitably bored her and she would usually turn them down out of principle. Every time she found herself fucking a stranger, Nana silently wished that they had been Hachi instead.

Like a sinner praying for forgiveness, Nana knelt on the bathroom floor, her mouth and thumb working at the girl’s clit while her fingers pressed deep inside.  She didn’t even know this girl’s name, and in the moment she didn’t care. It was funny, really, that Nana had told this stranger that her name was Nancy. Even now, Nana kept this tie to the history of her dead lover, but her Sid hadn’t returned to drag her to the grave. Maybe, after all, Ren was watching from his place in the afterlife and smiling down on her, despite his promise. But if he had been cruel enough to let her live after his own death, she should at least have been able to keep Hachi…

The girl hissed in pain and Nana slowed her ministrations. If it were Hachi writhing on her fingers, she would take her time. She would be gentle. Hachi, she would take home, if only so she could put a collar around her neck and never let her go again. Nana knew she should care, that she should appreciate the naked form of this random girl splayed against the wall, but the simple truth was that she felt nothing at all. This girl was a distraction at best, and for all Nana could close her eyes and imagine, it didn’t turn the stranger into the one person she wanted to see.  

“I should go,” Nana purred, before pulling herself to her feet. “Thanks for the good time.” Her words were as hollow and empty as the gaping wound in her chest, the one she carefully kept these strangers from seeing.

If it were Hachi, she could stop searching for those brown eyes that she achingly missed, the ones that would stare up at her with wonder. If it were Hachi, she would feel complete as her shaking arms folded into the one person who was always passionate about her every move. If it were Hachi, she would wrap her up like a mother bird stretching her wings and protect her from every painful intrusion the world shoved their way.  
  
But Nana was alone now, and Hachi’s return too much to wish for; it was far easier to close off her mind from her body and to pretend she felt nothing at all.

**Author's Note:**

> The names Nancy and Sid refer to Nancy Spungen and Sid Vicious, in case that wasn't super-obvious.


End file.
